Performance In Class, Desires of Flight, and a Longing to Return Home...

Today was a rare day in South Florida. I actually had to wear my black CWU-45/P flight jacket to work. I did feel different today. However, one thing that I noted this morning when I got out of the house was that I said, "Wow, this is a beautiful day to fly!" Cool and crisp, not a cloud in the sky, just beautiful...simply beautiful. How I wish I had my license.

As you can see in my profile, I work as a customer service agent for a major airline.

Today in class, we were going over airport and runway markings and signage, as well as airspace, and air traffic control. And, we were tested on it. I got an 87% score on the test. It's good, I know. But it should be much better, and I'm beating myself up for it. For years, I was certain that I would be a class "ace". For years, I was certain that I would be able to get a near perfect score with my eyes closed.

We'll, I didn't like what I saw. And I saw myself slipping "behind the power curve". I should be ahead. Not in a competitive manner with anyone else in the class, but against my own self.


"You have to live with that reputation. But it's like you're flying against a ghost."
"Goose" from "TOP GUN"


In a way, I am up against a ghost. The ghost of my projected self. I want to be the most proficient pilot I can possibly be. And with this type of score, I can't possibly do it. I have to be doing a heck of a lot better. But, I may just be putting undue pressure upon myself. Stress from work, from living in this place, from my financial position, and the angst that has built up from four years of not flying. There have been some days where I wonder...I stop and wonder why I am putting myself through all of this. Why am I so bent on becoming a pilot, when I can easily be doing something else? I have better proficiency in graphic design, and audio editing as a hobby. I don't know.

I just need to look back to my first time at the airport.




That was my first introduction to aviation. Though I did not go flying that day, it did affect my life. It has made me fall short of dedicating my life to it (flying comes second to God). Why can't I fulfill my dream? Maybe I'm jumping the gun.

Maybe that's all it is: a dream that I'll wake up from.

I don't know. But one thing is for certain. I'll do the best I can. I may never know why I chose this path, or perhaps why it chose me. But I will follow it.

And, I am continuing to wait for my return to LA. Although I can't possibly be financially able to return any time soon, I will still try to fly back and forth via my airline. When I do go back (as I have done a few times since starting with my airline), it's like reviving from a dream. I get back into reality, into a tangible place.

Near the inlet at Marina Del Rey
Marina Del Rey, California
January 2008

Overlooking Los Angeles International Airport
El Segundo, California
January 2008

I never thought that I would live away from Florida. And it happened so fast, the day after I graduated from Westchester High School. But it is something I'd rather not write about...at least at this moment. I don't want to relive the worst decision of my life. I want to go home. I'm ready to go home.